Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. Let the Dam Break! Holding a Grudge vs. Allowing Forgiveness I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. Grudges are a form of punishment. Its not a joke. Im not angry and I forgive him not only for the mistakes he made, but also mine. I used to believe that remembering the past only had anger and hurt in it but by remembering and processing it with a perspective thats been increasingly informed by self-care, Im at peace with me and because Im not carrying a load of blame and resentment, I can choose what types of interactions I want to have with a person based on a healthier perspective and manage myself accordingly, safe in the knowledge that Im doing my best to respect each of us in reality instead of being mired in BS. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. Youre holding a grudge! My ex EUM and I broke up a week ago and were emailing and he didnt email me all weekend and I was happy. I used to watch his house so that I would know when he went out, or who visited. Note from the examples: Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! Peace. dcd568so sorry for your pain. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. However, I have a pattern of putting up with snarky, toxic, hostile behavior from acquaintances. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. Sorta-slow-fade. Think of a calming or pleasant memory that you can clearly . . Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. It made me feel weak and pathetic. This happened to me or similar. so sad. Have I forgiven them? ago. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of I think in Natalies earlier blog posts she talks about how we are usually attracted to people that somehow fulfill our beliefs about relationships/or qualities that we ourselves have or things we value. He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. He had nothing but kind thingsthings to say about me, my sibling, & others we knew from that time. Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! I am now 20 days in NC and have stepped away from these friends as well. Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? He then proceeded to delete me from his skype contacts 10 days later, and he went back (he had deleted his account when he was with me) on the dating website where we had originally met (I have cancelled my own account there). Im also afraid of my friendship with the new guy becasue i am vulnerable (although I have never not been vulnerable) and I dont want to get myself in another situation like with the ex and I feel by being with him it makes me more frustrated since hes not the right guy but i could trick myself into being with him. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. Thank you for your reply. The more you try to chase those feelings away, the more they remain. And that means that sometimes you might get upset over things that really aren't related to what you're actually upset about. As much as I felt blessed to have run into man from high school and as much as I wish I had known him better then, Im still content to say no to high school reunions. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. You'll soon start receiving the latest Mayo Clinic health information you requested in your inbox. word usage - <Grudge>, <rancor> and <Ill will> - English Language I want to contact him less frequently. This after calling me Satans spawn at one point for me not being as infuriated as she was at a woman who suggested that my aunts 5$ haircut wasnt the most stylish thing shed ever seen. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. . They also gave me pause for thought. You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. These Are 5 Ways Narcissists Use Projection. hes a carbon copy of many of the people discussed on this site; not so special or unique! THANK YOU! You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? Personality Types That Hold A Grudge - Live Bold and Bloom To keep going back to someone, or anything that has proven not to be good for you, why keep going back? I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. Improved heart health. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. Make a list of 10 things that you enjoy and make you feel good and do them. Dont allow yourself to be his emotional sponge while things work or dont work out between him and his ex. Hugs xx. Carry on!! The Difference Between Holding a Grudge and Setting a Boundary Grudges are toxic to relationships. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Why is it I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings and not my own. If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. I was addicted for 6 months with the MM. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. Then I would take whatever my answer was and apply it to my situation. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. If you're unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you're probably harboring a grudge. Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! Dont They Care About Me? Each person is different and has a unique personality. Probably. When you show up authentically and choose to be more you, people being themselves allows you to filter out the wrong relationships and say yes to the right ones.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. After 14 months NC, including resisting polite invitations and helpful referrals (all phrased as though everything was honky dory between us), I broke NC via text randomly last month due to a clusterfuck practical circumstance. Hes playing with your heart. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? Hey, Im working on it. , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. so I dropped him. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. Unbelievable he now sends me s friend request. And not in a self-righteous, look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife way, but in a genuine, humble way. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. Surely ther. In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. It is very challenging and even breaking off all contact isnt always the answer. They can seem like two different states of mind. Forgiveness is letting go. Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. In the saga of Sagittarius Hailey Bieber vs. Cancer queen Selena Gomez it's a battle of fire and water, hooves and claws complete with body shaming, eyebrow shading and social media slings and arrows. So need this. In my mind I think that how hes acting is immature and offensive, but for some reason I truly cant get myself to believe that he is being genuine with this crazy stuff. I told her she was already forgiven but that I still was leaving and wouldnt stay as a guest of someone who thinks that them being annoyed means they can slap me. Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. Though part of me thinks, even if he didnt mean it, its a horrible thing to even say. You have to accept that sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. Ironically it was me who introduced him to most of the people we know. Being a work in progress. Its also not a punishment. Thats how people meet. Please trust yourself. There were only two or three large employers so it was almost inevitable. You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. Is your opinion of that behavior good or bad? But it took that, and a revelation of a year old affair that he confessed to that finally made me step away.But I did it with emails seeking validation to which he replied saying sorry, but did not stop keeping in touch and hanging out everyday with 2 of my friends, one of them a woman. It does get better with NC, really it does. Unfortunately this is a case of When they tell you who they are, believe them. Sometimes I feel I do, but mostly I feel I dont. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. I finally get it now. Cant say I get no bites at all, now! You do not need the extra burden and pain on your shoulders. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. So I couldnt. In a word. His niceness is just a front to get laid, unfortunately. He must have said something to her because she is now very reserved with me. Silva RS, et al. Ooh a theological debate. Or would you advise me to run as fast as I can, nevermind hang around to go cycling?? Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? i feel so upset, becasue i am lonely and frustrated without intimacy in my life, and its hard to move forward. It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. Of course you can forgive them, but theres no need to find them as the relationship is over. Psychology Explains Why Some People Hold Grudges (Even If You Did Nothing) Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. I would love to deliver all his stuff to his girlfriend except I wouldnt know which girlfriend to go to.. It beggars belief! Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. It would be great if his knowing that fact would change his heart, but it doesnt. . Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. Maeve, thank you. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. I have a mother like that too! I hear you, and I know you are right. Mayo Clinic offers appointments in Arizona, Florida and Minnesota and at Mayo Clinic Health System locations. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! Quite early on he said he wasnt ready for another relationship (the last one was a year ago, and he feels suffocated in relationships), but that he wanted to try with me. None of these are likely. We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. What if? You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. . He was not dropping it, he was taking it to a new height and I fell for it. Theyre either in or theyre out! They arent listening or tell you youre just plain wrong. Can this still apply if you have children with your ex? Great addition, and true! Knowing what sorts of things might mean that youre holding a grudge, even if you dont think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow shoulds laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Improved mental health. if I did I would seriously push tht waste of space over the nearest cliff!! He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. You can't force someone to forgive you. "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". I needed it today. All Free. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. *Get a journal. Im not sure we can. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. To put it simply, you're holding a grudge. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will get vengeance for this and key her car. Thats what happened. Is it you thats the problem? It then becomes that were running around forgiving everyone else but that we cant forgive ourselves and so we keep going back to pain sources to gain that forgiveness through validation, which only leads to more pain. He does not mean you well. It is a lack of forgiveness and acceptance. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. They hate you, good bye. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. There usually seems to be some very black and white ideas that people have about forgiveness and what it entails. Install a Number-Blocking application on your phone to filter his calls. Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. Maybe they say i love you, 5xs a day, instead of once a week. Someone told me recently that we all seem to have a cross to bear in this lifetime. Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. Oddly, I have forgiven him and wish him no ill will. It simply means that youre choosing to move on. and then me saying, okay, fine, and then forgetting it all, never bringing it up, and acting like it never happened. Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. I am feeling very weak like I just want to contact him to let him know how hurtful his behavior was but am trying to maintain my dignity. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. Dear Nat, thanks again for the great post! I no longer feel he is even my father. The new rebound guy isnt the bad guy in CCs scenario (as presented). In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. I would take such advice with a grain of salt. Grudge vs Boundary in Relationships - FLEXTALK.org What makes someone do that? It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. February 28th, 2023. That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! While we don't often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they've been wronged. Hard pass! i know I am a jackass. Yoghurt- Thank you. I was/am angry for giving him the ego stroke that he can still have an effect on me and that what he did is still a source of anger for me. Even if you think you are not good enough for love or that you dont deserve love, know that the moment true love is revealed to you will be the very moment you could live in for eternity. It's a wound that's barely healed. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. Here is his message hi!! But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. This reminds me of the dance AC whom I recently brushed off as having a flirting fetish and who my mother insisted liked me (so I let my guard down an inch). Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. It breaks my heart a bit. I said thats just what you say about me. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. But I will feel better! This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. I am glad that you seem to understand whats going on, I hope you can use your knowledge much more cleverly than I did. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. I think he may have acondition of sorts, he reminds me of the guys on Big Bang theory. Thanks again, This happened to me second time he broke up with me. For example, Ive begun to pray for my enemies, including childhood abusers. I know this was ridiculously LONG, but through a lot of growing pains and perspective, thats what made sense to me. No mother its you. But manipulative and controlling and trying to use the reset button. I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing. And holding grudges may actually harm your health. Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? Forgiveness means different things to different people. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. I understand, Rosie, and I find soothing your willingness to comment. And go No Contact for as long as you possibly can. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. Grace answered beautifully. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. Its not there. This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. It has helped a lot, they make perfect sense, and confirm what I already believed. The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness - The Holderness Family I did a thing where I didnt make a scene about my anniversary, hoping people close to me would gather around without a script.
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